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BUSINESS BANTER - August 2005 Sesame Bagel, Hold the Small Talk I was about to hire my first employee. I was nervous and excited. The interview was going well, and I was just about ready to say, “You’re hired.” What a difference two years had made. When starting to write my column, I never thought I’d survive, let alone need help. But the business expanded, and I needed someone to handle facets such as the Web site, database and billing. It seemed that I’d found the right person. Bill was a graduate student in journalism, and he wanted to work only 20 hours a week, which is what I needed. We’d resolved the major issues, such as money, but Bill had one more question. “Hesh, what’s the corporate culture in your organization?” “Wait a second,” I said. “I do the humor, not you.” But he wasn’t smiling. It was a serious question. He said, “For example, will we be going to lunch together, or are you the kind of boss who keeps to himself and does not fraternize with his employees?” I hadn’t given it much thought. I ate lunch when I was hungry. And it was the same menu every day: coffee, toasted sesame bagel and fat-free cream cheese. He saw from my look of disbelief that we were not going to break bread every afternoon. Even so, he didn’t let go. “Well, if we don’t eat lunch, how about Monday breakfast? We can discuss our weekends. I can tell you about my passion, Habitat for Cats.” “Monday morning is crunch time for me,” I told him. “There’s no small talk. My column deadline is noon. You will be staring at a computer screen checking semicolons and commas first thing every Monday.” I was confused because I’d told him that he could do a lot of the work from home. We would stay in touch via e-mail and phone. I like my solitude in the mornings. But he didn’t let go. “What about staff meetings where we get a chance to brainstorm new ideas?” I was wondering when he’d been promoted from glorified clerk to syndicated columnist. “Bill, when I was downsized from my last job, I promised myself that I would never go to another staff meeting. If you need an hour for creative thoughts, go to the library and browse. I will pay for the hour. We can call it continuing education.” Bill didn’t look happy, but I didn’t want this opportunity to unravel. I needed someone immediately, and I knew he could do the work. I figured that I could solve the problem with money. I offered him an extra dollar an hour. He looked pleased. “How about making it $1.25?” he said. This upset me. He’s talking about corporate culture to mask his desire for more money. I wanted to say no, but instead I compromised at $1.10 more. He broke into a big smile. I forced a smile. I said he needed to start tomorrow. He frowned. “Hesh, if we are going to have an open relationship, then I must be honest with you.” I thought to myself that I didn’t want honesty, but someone who just came to work. He said: “I won’t tell you some lie. The truth is that I can’t start tomorrow because it’s my birthday. I always have my friends take me out for brunch. Maybe you would like to join me and meet my friends. You’ll like them.” I said, “Bill, if I wanted to hire someone with whom I wanted a relationship I would have hired my wife.” So, that’s what I did. She doesn’t need or want to talk with me.
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